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07/04/2005: "No More Excuses"

Music: Blackstone Valley Sinners
Mood: sober, optimistic

It has been over a week since my last day working for Landmark Theatres. I gave my notice to my boss while he was yelling at me and the next day he came to the theatre bearing my termination papers and a check for my vacation time and four weeks of salary- two I had earned, two I would have earned. My boss thought it was better to just pay me off than have me work there for the two weeks, which at the time, upset me for some reason, but fuckin' a- two free weeks of paid vacation!

Since I have been on "vacation," I have been trying to decompress as well as starting to pack up for the move to Arcata. For my birthday, Laura got me "Self Matters" by Dr. Phil. I have been reading it and starting to deal with my issues. I have also been visiting all the doctors I can before my health insurance runs out. I found out that my cholesterol is so high I now have to use Lipitor, and while getting fillings and a teeth cleaning at the dentist, I found out I have gum disease, which also contributes to heart disease.

I actually don't have much of an excuse for this stuff. I have known since I was a kid that I have high cholesterol and that it runs in my family, but I have avoided dealing with it just like I have avoided dealing with my mental issues. I have made a decision to start doing to find out what I want out of life, and to take control over it rather than chalking everything up to random chance.

I need to be healthy if I am going to continue and enjoy me life. I have stopped drinking like the perscription bottle suggests while taking this drug, and combined with the no smoking, the past four days are the longest I have been stone cold sober in many years. Being sober with no job to worry about for the rest of the month, I have nothing but time on my hands to dig in and start getting better. I have spent so long imbibing various substances in order to dull the pain when in fact the only real way to truly heal myself is to confront these issues head on.

Just over a week ago, I was a grey tie- wearing blob, eating, drinking, and smoking to dull the pain, and wondering why the pain wouldn't just go away. This month could be one of the most important ones of my life, as long as I keep positive and focus on the goal of becoming who I want to be.

Part of what I want to be involves writing, and I have done nothing but make excuses for why I haven't written more. Stay tuned to this space to see if I am serious.

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