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09/21/2005: "Gotta Stay Conscious"

Music: Creedence
Mood: waiting

Today is the day that I am supposed to hear from the Humboldt County Library about whether I got the librarian job. I applied for the job in early July when I was still living in LA, and they are getting around to making a decision now. Life certainly moves a lot slower around here, and for the most part, that is a good thing, except when it comes to people making decisions about hiring me.

I have spent so much time worrying about finding employment. Its not like I haven't been trying, its not like I don't have A part-time job, so theoretically when I am not actively looking for work, I should try to relax and enjoy the free time, because I won't have much of it when I am fully employed. I should be doing all the things that I have been wanting to do, like exercising, writing (and realizing that just because what I am writing is not "working on my novel," it still involves writing), eating better, learning more about automotive repair, reading, hanging out at the Arcata Marsh, etc. In fact, I have been doing these things, but I have let my worrying about my job/ financial situation overshadow the fact that I am a lot happier than I was a couple of months ago.

Worrying is a habit, and habits can be corrected. I have been re-reading my Moshe Feldenkrais books lately. Feldenkrais believed that if you were aware and conscious of your posture and how you moved, you could improve your health accordingly. I hurt my hip shoveling snow back in Boston a few years ago and the physical therapist I saw mentioned attending a Feldenkrais class. I took some of his books out of the library instead, and began to pay attention to where I was putting my weight, etc and my hip pain disappeared. Of course, it reappeared earlier this year, as I had forgotten to continue to pay attention.

It's all about the follow-through, isn't it? You can discover the solution to some problem, and it works, but for some reason you stop paying attention and it reappears. Gotta stay conscious all the time- its the only way. What is so amazing is how hard it is to pay attention to your own life sometimes, and how seductively easy it is to fall into habits and patterns. At least I know I am conscious right now and am trying to stay that way, which is more than most people can say.

I think I shall go for a bike ride down to the Arcata Marsh, bring a book (currently reading "The Crystal Empire" by L. Neil Smith), maybe write a couple of letters, and enjoy my afternoon. Hopefully I will have a phone message waiting for me, but sitting at home waiting for a phone call is not going to make it happen.