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03/17/2005: "Touching My Toes For The First Time All Over Again"

Music: none
Mood: meditative

In December 2004, I had the flu. Since then, I have tried to cut down on the amount of food I eat and the rate at which I ingest it. I have also tried to eat a better variety of foods, including cutting down on red meat and eating more fruits and vegetables. I have also cut down my drinking to the point where I might go a week or more without having one. I had always wanted to change my eating habits, but it never really happened for me until now.

Four months later, I am less that 200 pounds for the first time in perhaps 10 years. As a result, I have shrunk 4 pants and shirt sizes. I now use a medium belt and wear large t- shirts. I would estimate that at least 80% of the clothing I own is now too big for me. I had to go shopping yesterday and buy jeans and casual shirts that actually fit. I have not worn a pair of jeans of this size since I was 13.

Despite all of this, I still have the tendency to look in the mirror and think to myself that I am still fat. It is an automatic shaming reflex developed by years of poor mental conditioning. If I do see a difference, I automatically refocus on another area that I can find disapproval with such as my hairline instead of seeing the positive gains I have made.

Laura suggested to me the other day that I have lost so much weight that if I start exercising again right now, I will get toned by the time the weight loss is complete. This morning, I was wearing my new jeans and polo shirt while watching my new Doctor Who DVD when I noticed the pair of 10- pound weights that I bought but have hardly used. I started doing some simple curls, then some situps when it occured to me that I should touch my toes. I leaned forward and- well, I just touched them! This one simple act conveyed more information about how far I have come than anything ever has. I have always been able to touch them, but not without great effort, exertion, and stretching of my arms to their fullest. This morning, all I did was lean over. The spare tire that I had been carrying for so long, that I had always wanted to get rid of but seemingly never could was no longer impeding my movement as it had for so many years.

Talk about a happy Saint Patrick's Day!

PS- I have also noticed that I have a blog, but nobody ever reads it. Do I not want anyone to read it? How can anyone read it if so few people know it even exists? Perhaps I should try and put it on some feeds or something like that. But then I would have to update it regularly...why don't I now? I think on some level I automatically censor what I write about. The Athenaverse is my so- called ampthitheatre but I hardly ever get on the stage.

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